after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
