There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize