I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
