Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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