I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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