I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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