my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
