My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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