i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
