before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
