be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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