I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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