the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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