Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
