Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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