so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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