Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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