Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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