Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
