her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
