dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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