I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
