I cannot find my penis.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize