I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
