At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
