Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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