ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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