I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize