I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
