I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
