Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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