Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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