His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
