The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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