remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
