You're my little dorito
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
