he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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