Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
