Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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