i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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