im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
