You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
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