his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
