The maid of honor just puked.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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