god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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