There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
id be glad to
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize