i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
