i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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