no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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