The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
