she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
