Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
