I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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