He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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