This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
