So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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