Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I intend to get homeless drunk
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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