Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
