i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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