Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
