you guys were way drunker than both of me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
