Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
