Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's the barista slut.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
