I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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