it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
