i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
