I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize