It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
