brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
