I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
