girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
