how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
