i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
