I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
