So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
