Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
